Thursday, September 20, 2012

Just a girl... & her soap box

I’ve made the conscious choice to free myself of the Negative Nancy’s, the Bitter Betty’s, and the Overdramatic Wondercunts.  I’m too busy and too tired to listen to the obvious bullshit pouring from your mouth with a polite smile on my face.


               Fool me once?  Well, then, shame on me. 

                               Fool me twice?  Awe hellz naw bitch!! 

Here are 5 friendly Noodle Nation tips to remember.

1.       Stop the dramatics – Everyone loves a good story, but if you think your constant, unbelievable stories of what just happened to you are really that believable then move to Hollywood and become an actress/actor.  We notice your stories never stay the same… give it up.

2.      Stop talking negatively about everyone around you – If 4 people walk by you and you say 4 differently snide or rude comments about them.  It’s pretty obvious that you’ll do the same thing about me when I walk away.  No one trusts you!  Now I know what you’re thinking… “But Noodles, you talk shit all the time.”  Yes, you are correct.  I certainly do… but I talk shit TO people… not ABOUT people.  There is a difference.  I’ll spit the truth, and I’ll own up to it too.

3.      Quit your whining – Do you know who hates hanging out with someone that complains about every little thing?  Who sucks the joy out of every experience?  Everyone… no one wants to hear your constant childish complaints when you aren’t willing to do anything constructive about it.

4.      Proof read your emails/text – As much as I love a good argument, I feel no need to respond to people who are too drunk, high, or half r-tarded to spell words correctly; and/or who have completely missed full words in their messages.  Now that I’ve wasted the last 5 minutes deciphering your incoherent babble I’ve lost all interest.  Congratulations and good riddance!

5.      Don’t be a backstabber – You want to be friends?  Then stop your lying, and stop dropping my name into bullshit drama that I’m not involved with.  Sorry you got caught talking shit by someone, but trying to dirty my name so you can play victim is a tired ass game played by weak people.
~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~
Don't let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you.
~ Les Brown

Friday, September 14, 2012

Maybe it is time to jump on that F’ing Zen train?

My morning usually starts off the same every day.  Wake up, grab my phone and read thru the latest Facebooks post from people I know or used to know or met once.  After that I throw on the first thing I see and take my 6 ½ pound pooch for her morning walk.  Then I preform my “mad dash” to get ready and out the door in time for work.

I checked out this Facebook post from “Graced by Grae” included the below article.  Intrigued… I believe it’s worth sharing.



Dear self from yesterday… I think it’s time to leave you behind.

I think it’s time I redirect and refocused my mind set.  Time to let go of the oh so many things that weigh so heavily on my mind.  Things that hold me back from enjoying the short amount of time I have left here on the green side of Earth.

I mean… C’mon.  We can’t spend the rest of our lives focused so much on what other people are thinking of us, or what they say about us. 


Do their perceptions really shape who we are?


Why so much effort into everyone around us & not into ourselves?





You, yourself, as much as anybody
in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection - Buddha

Friday, August 31, 2012

Ain't dat da truf!!

Truths for Mature Humans

1.        I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2.      Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3.       I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4.      There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5.      How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.      Was learning cursive really necessary?

7.       Map quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8.      Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9.      I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10.   Bad decisions make good stories.

11.   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12.   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  I don’t want to have to restart my collection…. Again

13.   I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page reports that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.   “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

15.   I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.  What did you do after I didn’t’ answer?  Drop the phone and run away?

16.   I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.  What a waste.

17.   I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  (no joke I truly do!)

18.   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19.   I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20.  I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

21.   Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22.  I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. (This has Adam all over it!)

23.   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

24.  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25.  How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

26.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27.   Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty. Pants?  Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever!

28.  Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29.  There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30.   As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31.   Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32.   Even under ideals conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find  and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Recipe for Anal R’tardnation

Yesterday’s mail came with an invoice for tuition and I realized that opening any mail which comes from school still puts a smile on my face.  I love the feeling of enriching my life, the sense of accomplishment that comes with each passing year, and the act of reaching for my very own stars.

I wonder if I would have been this fascinated if I would have gone to college right out of high school?  No real way of telling but I’m sure if would have been much easier to balance work, school and the daily lives of a full functioning adult.  I wish I had the bills of an 18 year old.  How did I ever manage to survive on a paycheck less than my car payment?  Oh that’s right… I had no bills and I still lived with my parents.

With just two short weeks left of my summer vacation I’m under the gun to finish my summer cleaning and organizing.  Thanks to Google and Pinterest my plans are all coming together. 


I found this handy little print out at http://www.my3monsters.com/2011/09/housekeeping.html.  Women by nature are pretty visual people, and who doesn’t love a pretty little list.  I figure I can print this out every month and cross things off as I go.  The daily portions will be helpful to Adam who’s not sure what items should be done on the night that I’m at school until bedtime.  (I doubt he’s as excited about this little find as I am)

In addition to keeping things visual for myself, we’ve also implemented a chore schedule for the kids and have put the older of the 3 in charge as supervisor to make sure all jobs are done on time and preformed to the acceptable standards.  This ought to be interesting since I’m somewhat of a perfectionist and control freak when it comes to the way my house is organized and cleaned.  I don’t cut corners or half ass things.  I am my Mother’s daughter and you can tell by the way my towels are folded.  :)

Getting everyone into a better routine to help out with items around the house should take some of the stress of me while I’m away attempting to learn things with this old brain of mine.

  
In addition to the above list I found this helpful monthly list of deep cleaning projects that I adore!!  My plan is to make this into a magnet!  Cute right??  Oh… I… Know! 

Let the 2 weeks of decluttering, dejunking and over organizing begin!!


Good order is the foundation of all things.--Edmund Burke

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Confessions of a 35 year old

Has anyone looked at the “anti-aging” aisle of your Target?  Good grief I feel like I need one of those cross reference catalogs like you find in the auto department for your oil filters and windshield wipers. 

I’m not just another year older… nor none the wiser, but I am a little more observant.  By little I mean very little so don’t be surprised if I don’t notice your new belt or bangle bracelet.  Well actually it’s not so much about others but myself and in that regard I really need to start taking better care of myself.

I have this irrational fear of becoming the old lady that thinks it’s ok to dress like a much younger person.  Everyone has seen this lady… I’m not talking Samantha from Sex in the City wearing the same dress as Miley Cyrus.  I’m talking the lady at the grocery store in the trendy ripped jeans and Aeropostale tee shirt.  Hey Lady… stop raiding your teenager’s closet!  You look ridiculous!

I took a gander through my closet and come across one Buckle outfit to another I realized I really need to re-wardrobe myself.  I can’t keep dressing like a bar hopping 20 something. So… how does a 35 year old dress??  Do I really have to trade in my punky “Sinful” attire for cardigans and loafers?

Is there a ligament reason most clothing stores only stock clothes for women under 25 and women over 45?  I don’t want to wear hello kitty tee shirts… nor do I want to wear anything with embroidered kittens all over it or mom jeans.  Can a girl just buy a tee shirt somewhere? 

I think I need a personal stylist.  More importantly I need a personal nutritionist and trainer.  I’ve heard your metabolism slows down when you get into your 30’s but I feel like mine went on hiatus.  Bitch.

Lots of changes coming, but they’re all towards being a healthier, happier and better ME. 

The safest principle through life, instead of reforming others, is to set about perfecting yourself.
B. R. Haydon

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Woman Power and All That Crap

Five days a week I drive into down town LG and trot my happy ass into the local Starbucks.  Where I’m greeted by the morning staff as we exchange the normal pleasantries. 
I wonder what happen to their Old Fashion Chocolate Doughnuts.  Those were so good… but it’s probably better that they no longer offer them in the display case.  My ass thanks thee.

This quick stop into my personal heaven is followed up with the quick drive to the office where I spend the following 8 ½ hours attempting to avoid one argument to the next.  A few months back I had the pleasure of sitting thru my 10th annual review.

Reviews are much like getting a Pap smear.  We all know we have to go in and have it done… but you spend the whole time waiting for it to be over with.  It’s uncomfortable, you can’t really say what you’re thinking and in the end the other person talks about you like you’re not really in the room.

This year as my boss and I went over my goals for the next year I heard her say something I’ve never heard a person say to me before. 

“So, something I need you to work on is being a more assertive.  You’re sort of a push over.”

I sat there with my mouth wide open in complete and total shock as the sentence left her lips and pierced my brain.  F’ing seriously?!

Maybe the paperwork was mixed up… maybe my diligent work ethic and willingness to help people was misunderstood.  I’m assertive… when I need to be.  Not that I go around inserting my opinion into the faces of everyone around me.

Along with her request she presented me with a print out for a seminar she’d like me to attend in order to work on my “weak” area.  It’s hard to remember what happen next as I drifted off in my mind wondering who I should call first with the hilarity of what just happen.

Obviously I called Pookie.  Flash forward a couple months and it’s seminar day!! 

I agreed to go to “The Conference for Women” for two reasons.  It’s an easy day out of the office and I get paid.  Who wouldn’t, right?  Better yet it was me and our other Rep that got to go together… so I even got to go with someone I like.  Always a bonus! 

Now, I’ve sat thru these snooze fest seminars before.  Filled with catchy titles like “Turning Lemons Into Lemonade: How to Deal with Difficult People”, but at the end of them I leave feeling like I sat through an infomercial.  No really information BUT if you spend “x” amount of dollars you can have these very educational audio CD’s!!  Or perhaps you’d like to buy the latest professional development book series!?!? 

Let’s say as we drove into the city for this seminar I was less than enthralled.  We arrived to the conference center after a short Starbucks and Diet Coke hunt.  To find a room filled with about 60 women. 

Our speakers walked around greeting everyone and I sat in my chair thinking to myself that I might of just been duped into some weird Pro Women’s cult.  Don’t get me wrong… I’m all for equality and empowering women but I still like when guys open doors for me and pay for dinner.  I’m not some nut job.

Once I managed to look past all the “I’m a strong independent woman” gibberish I actually found the seminar to be a bit on the informative end of entertaining.  The speaker was well poised and had a comedic manner about the way she spoke.  I put her somewhere between Queen Latifah and Wanda Sparks.

At the end of the day I did learn some new things which is very well a plus.  Maybe, perhaps, I am a little less assertive in the work place.  Why, you ask? 

Maybe because in the last 10 years I’ve heard every excuse they have to offer and have worked side by side with the same people.  Same people, same snide remarks, same bullshit excuses… most of them so predictable.

My department is somewhat the red headed bastard child of the company.  Work… other peoples work mind you, gets dumped on to our desk with another snide comment of “Well it’s your customer, so it’s your responsibility.” 

Interesting… I work in Customer Service… why would I be responsible for fixing a report someone created incorrectly for you??  I’m not a fucking programmer! 

So, here I go starting my path of “assertiveness’ in the work place.  Eight hours in a conference and I’ve learned to say “No”! 

                Assertive (əˈsɜːtɪv)
                             -  Adj
       1.    Confident and direct in claiming one’s rights or putting forward one’s views
       2.    Given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive


Based on the definition it should be a breeze.  Time to be a big girl and show these people what’s up.

Everything you need is already within you. The beauty of life is that your DESTINY lies always in your hands. The time has come for you to STEP UP and BE GREAT.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

11 tips to not only survive, but thrive!

Here’s my 2nd plug to http://www.elephantjournal.com/

Photo via Dailyfunnystuff.com

I like this website for a daily pick me up and reminder to always be improving, and always be looking forward; not back.  I’ll admit the end of the list gets a little to tree huggery on me but the message is good and sound.  J


We’ve heard Mayan legends and stories of Apocalypse for the year 2012.
Stop reading now if this is what you’re hoping for—these are tips on thriving.

Truth be told the world is transforming before our eyes.

We’re waking up to the realization that our thoughts matter, we’re all connected and our world is changing. Time is changing, seasons are changing, weather, politics, social systems, beliefs, and people are changing. Most people I work with report having major life changes occur and swooping lightening speed personal growth happening on a regular basis. We can no longer hide from our “stuff” and there seems to be a global movement to wake up, wake up, wake up.
So, what to do? Hold on and consider these 11 tips to not only survive, but thrive.

1. It’s time to look around your life and realize we truly become the five people we hang out with most.
Cut ties to negative people, drama queens and energy suckers. Surround yourself with true friends—people who inspire you and people you love dearly. Energetically: like attracts like, so if you’re surrounded by people who don’t reflect what you really respect, it’s time for a little self-reflection which leads me to the next tip.

2. There is no longer an “out there” and an “in here.”
The world is your mirror. Easily triggered by others? It’s time to remove the trigger. Once we work out our issues of anger, self-sabotage, low self-worth/esteem and our lifetime wounding, we no longer need to pull in others to play out life dramas so we learn the lesson. Take control of your own lessons and buttons. You know what they are, we all have them. Seek out counseling, neurosculpting, brain spotting, neurolinguistic programing or shamanic soul retrieval to shine a light on your issues and take your power back by healing them.

3. Take care of your body energetically.
We’re bombarded with electromagnetic fields, constant distractions, obligations and responsibilities. Multitasking is no longer an option; it’s a necessity in today’s fast paced world. Buy or trade for massages, acupuncture, energy healing, aromatherapy, float tanks, and reflexology. Can’t afford any of it or find a trade for service? Lay on the earth for a few minutes.
Earthing has been scientifically proven to reduce stress and bring our nervous system back into balance. Take a hint from our animal friends, the first thing an animal will do when it’s sick or wounded is to seek solace in a quiet place and lay on the earth. Take a shower when you get home from work to energetically wash away the day (and other’s energies) or take a sea salt bath. Two cups of sea salt in a bath and you’ll feel like a new person. Sea Salt is a well-known energetic cleaner. Try it before you deny it.

4. Still your mind.
Meditating for even 10 minutes a day will reduce the effects of the number one killer: stress. Yoga, silent walking with no agenda and being in nature are moving versions if you can’t sit still. Set your watch or phone to 15 minute intervals and take three deep breath breaks. Breathing into your belly vs. shallow breathing calms the nervous system of the body. Shallow breathing actually activates the fight or flight points near the collar-bone on a primal level and adds to stress. Breathing properly is a habit that once formed, will be remembered in your body. Set your timer for a few weeks, it’s worth it.

5. Take substantial breaks from the cell phone.
The world can survive without you for an hour lunch break. We do not need to be like Pavlov’s dog to the sound of our cell phone ringer or text. Schedule some private time. Toss your cell phone in the back seat of the car on your commutes and errands or at the very least, leave it at home while you walk your dog. Shut the computer off by a certain time and witness your knee jerk reaction to check it every hour. Want to make your mate swoon with passion? Refuse to bring that cell phone to dinner. Give him or her 100 percent of your undivided attention and watch your relationship bloom again as a side benefit to reducing stress. This leads me to the next one…

6. Invest your time with fewer people intimately so you can develop those relationships into a deeper connection.
Intimacy = Into You I see, isn’t possible with everyone. It’s become a superficial word in today’s zillion plus online friendship arena. Developing true connection and trust with another provides a safety zone and refuge from the world when you need it. While I’m suggesting we foster true friendships, it’s also important to consider my next suggestion:

7. Community!
Think globally and act locally; really locally by knowing your neighbors. Get one another’s back and create that small town feel in your own backyard. Care about each other, offer a helping hand. Plant community gardens; vote to stop poisoning the neighborhood earth with pesticides and share community meals once a week. If someone is in trouble, offer him odd jobs before you pick up the phone and call a stranger. We need to break out of the garage door batman habit of driving in, closing the door and waving at one another as we drive by. These are your neighbors, learn to get along with them and enjoy the social community right in the comfort of your backyard.

8. Turn off the damn TV.
It’s all negative or drama anyways. If you can’t part with it, limit your time to great movies or inspiring channels like OWN or National Geographic. Better yet, toss the TV out and watch something 100 percent inspiring like free yoga and videos on Gaiam TV via your computer, phone or iPad for less than three lattes a month. Worried about missing the news? Read it online. I promise, someone will fill you in.

9. Refuse to add more poison to your body.
Buy organic, buy local, use eco-friendly hygiene products and detox by dry brushing, adding lemon to your water in the mornings and upping your clean water intake by supporting healthy sustainable sources of water.

10. Have compassion for everyone.
We don’t know the reason someone is speeding past you in their car, there could be an emergency. We don’t know why people are absent minded and appear to be rude; they could have something heavy on their mind. Judge someone by their appearance? They might be suffering with their health or burdened by stress. Hear something bad about another? Remember that’s just one person’s perspective. Everyone is doing the best they can. Avoid sweeping judgments and consider a few reasons other than your initial reaction before giving someone a negative label.

11. Watch your thoughts and your words.
We are manifesting machines and if you haven’t noticed lately, we are manifesting our worst nightmares and our biggest dreams. Every religious and spiritual text traced back to the beginning of time taught the power of our words. Avoid gossip and don’t repeat it, investigate things for yourself, suspend judgment and refuse to speak of your fears. Talk about what you want, not what you don’t want.  Look around your life: what choices are your friends making and what choices have you made? We are meant to live happy, healthy, abundant lives. When our self-worth and self-esteem are healthy, we realize we’re worthy of creating a good life. Most importantly, when we live a good life, we’re empowered to help others which is truly the most rewarding task of all.
xo
Editor: Kate Bartolotta