From the files of the Drama Broadcasting Network (KDBN) - Vol. 1

I’ve been known to tell a story or two about the events that happen either in my life or in the life of the people around me.  I’ve also mentioned that my Mom’s kitchen table seems to be the hub of dramatic information.  Her house has two motto’s:

“It looks a lot quieter from the outside.”

“There’s never a dull moment around here.”

So in the spirit of story telling here’s some of my stories.  I only tell these stories because it’s something you usually only find in movies.  This isn’t a movie; I’m not embellishing or making this up.  This is the crazy shit that goes on in or around my life.

One of my brothers, Jaysson, has two children with a girl named Jennifer.  They're the old story of he knocked her up and then tried to say it wasn’t his.  It’s sad in a pathetic kind of way because if they weren’t together then she was only a cars length behind him at every moment or just circling his block for hours on end to make sure he wasn’t somewhere else.  No I'm serious!

They have two kids… we went thru the “it’s not mine” scenario twice.  However, once the kids were born and we saw there long lanky bodies it was hard for even him to question the paternity.  It was a heart warming moment when he first looked in the kids eyes and suddenly realized that he was stuck with Jennifer forever. 

You think I’m mean… but during one stalking session she was following so closely that when Jaysson stopped at a stop light and she wasn’t paying attention she rear ended his car and ended up totaling her “new” Kia.  Jaysson and both kids were ok (yes he had both kids in his car at the time)… but since the car was totaled and she failed to pay her car insurance, or for the car that was now totaled.  The loan defaulted back to Jaysson (who was suckered into co-signing) for the remaining payments.  Talk about insult to injury!

These two broke up twice a day… everyday for years.  Some of us who had the pleasure of either living with my Jaysson at my Mom’s house or rented Jaysson’s upper flat (like Gabby or my brother Craig and his wife) and we still have nightmares of her pounding  on the door and screaming for Jaysson.

Her whinny voice, “Jaysson!  Open the door!! (pound pound pound) Let me back in!  Jaysson… Jaysson! (pound pound pound)  I know you can hear me!  I love you! Let in!!!!  I’M GONNA LEAVE! (pound pound pound) I’m leaving!!  Jaysson please let me in!” 

Today they are both in different but equally screwed up relationships. 

Jaysson’s dating a troll named Stacey.  She’s the spitting image of one of them troll dolls old ladies use for luck at bingo nights.  She’s wider then she is tall and has a face like the gremlin on the Lord of the Rings… what’s his name “Gollum”!!  Yeah… she looks like she could be his uglier little sister.

She’s a real catch… she’s only stole thousands of dollars from him and racked up charges on credit cards in his name.  Then throws the bills out so that he doesn’t know about them.  Broke into his house and stole his computer and camera after she was kicked out for the theft and credit card discovery.

Somehow, she ended up moving back in.  Not sure why… but Jaysson did tell my brother Craig that he offered her a place to stay if she’d let him “dip his stick” twice a week… in da butt!  (vomit!!)  Craig told me the story… and as my Step-dad always says… we have three forms of communication in these parts…Teletype, telephone & TeleKali. 

Which is bull cuz’ I can keep a secret… but not if it’s that freaking hilarious!

Jennifer… oh boy… her fiancé, per the $40 dollar ring they picked out at Kmart together, is a hell of a guy!  I haven’t a clue where she found this guy… but he had been recently released from prison… after 10 years.  Nothing major he was only convicted of murder… oh no don’t worry he says it was self defense.  (wink)

I’m sure he’s a pretty stand up guy… I mean if you over look the back door drug deals and shady “tattoo” services that he provides.  I’m not sure if the Racine area is in high demand for low quality prison tattoos but he's certainly got the market covered!

Well... till next time... (guess I'll have to work on a better ending...)

Holy exploding beakers Batman… schools back in session!!

So the start of another semester is upon us… or me I guess.

I love the beginning of the semester and the process of purchasing the textbooks, notebooks and getting my schedule.  It’s all so exciting and gives me a sense of promise for my uncertain future.

The feeling doesn’t last long… so let’s cherish it while it’s last.

Psychology has already started and tonight I have my first Chemistry class.  Should prove to be interesting if nothing else and I hope I make it through with out seriously hurting anyone.

Last night as I sat and worked on my Psych homework I came to the horrifying conclusion that I might have bitten off more then I can chew.  Now I just have to figure out how to manage an already over-scheduled life.

Luckily, I have a great guy who’s willing to walk a 6 lbs Yorkie in a pink winter coat while I’m in class and trying to make a go at this school biz.  Or change the occasional light bulb and what not on the home front.  So I need not worry about such things.

Guess I can focus my attention on my school work, demanding job, and making sure that at the end of this road I’ve succeeded in my goal and journey.  That at the end of this seemingly very long tunnel there is a light… and hopefully my very own house with a yard and fence.

* Bear in mind, if you are going to amount to anything, that your success does not depend upon the brilliancy and the impetuosity with which you take hold, but upon the ever lasting and sanctified buldoggedness with which you hang on after you have taken hold.
Dr. A. B. Meldrum

I realize the truth…

Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

I younked the above quote from the Facebook wall of a friend from high school. 

During this little journey of mine I have discovered a number of things.  I have a lot of very supportive people surrounding me.  Maybe I don’t see them everyday or hear from them as often as I would like or maybe I haven’t seen them in over 15 years, but they are there.

I’m not as alone as I feel I am. 

The quote above struck me like a knife through the heart.   

The term “best friend” is very one sided.  What I mean is that you could be someone’s best friend but that doesn’t automatically mean that you are there’s.  Maybe you’re always there for them… but are they always there for you?

 For shits and giggles let us rehash my former “friendship” with Sarah Anne.  By diligently standing by your side, always encouraging you and providing you emotional shelter thru many of your storms; I was your best friend.  

I defended you when people said you were materialistic, self centered and mentally unstable.  I wrote you letters and words of encourage while you were gone.  I did everything I could think of to aid in the rebuilding after your fall.

After everyone turned their back on you… your parents; your sisters and brother, all but a handful of your friends… yet I was still there. 

Look at us today… no communication and nothing is left.  You now live less then an hour away and I don’t want to see you. 

It’s hard to acknowledge to the truth.  Thinking back to how everything played out and now I realize.  You were never my best friend… though at the time I really thought you were.  You never thought about how your actions, lack of compassion, or callousness affected me.

Not once did you ever think about anyone but… you. 

You were never really my friend at all.

The Happy Life

My life is a series of routines and schedules.  The calendar is filled with classes, work, cheerleading practices, football games, drill weekends and fun with friends/family.  Always on the go and always wishing I had just one day that I didn’t have to do anything.

I’m inclined to say I’m blessed but my non-religious views would make me sound like a hypocrite.  Can’t have that now can we?  I know people thank God for things they have in there lives and that’s great for them.  I’m just not one to leave things to chance or hang hopes on prayer.  Sorry George Michael… I don’t “gotta have faith”.

Worst case in this line of thinking is that I’m wrong and end up going to hell.  It’s ok… I’ve survived Florida in July and I’m pretty sure most of my friends will be down there.

You’re going to hell.  (How’s that for a fortune?) – My actual fortune from a fortune cookie at Chino Latinos in Minneapolis, MN

I’m a lucky girl and I love my life!  I have a family that is supportive, fun and we actually gets along.  Crazy I know! 

I have the most amazing man in my life… We’re always together and though the “old” me was independent and never understood how two people could spend everyday together with out wanting to murder each other… we are always together!  I don’t know what I would do with out him.   

I love that when I say something he’s thinking the same exact thing.  That we laugh at the same stupid and trivial shit.  We’re both obsessed with Zombies and spend most days waiting to get home to “Kill Stuff” (thank you Black Ops).

I can walk you to the exact place where I feel in love with you.  Where the sun crept thru the branches of the trees and the water rushed the shore. ~ K.M. Ricker

My life may not be perfect; I might not have all the answers or millions of dollars.  Then again you can’t buy happiness.  I’ve never asked for much… maybe understanding and sincerity. 

Life is too short… I’m living it to the fullest and dropping some baggage.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Does another one bite the dust?

I started this journey hoping to shed this feeling of abandonment.  Which, unfortunately, is proving more difficult then I originally anticipated.  Though I’ve made great strides I still have a lingering sense of unfinished business.

Maybe it’s just the vengeance in me screaming to lash out?

Maybe it’s the new found knowledge of just how vapid the people in my past are?

I thought a lot over the weekend about where I am in this journey of mine.  I’ve elegized two people from my past which I found to be greatly therapeutic.  I hoped this would be the end of the journey but here I sit… wondering.

Letting go of both women wasn’t easy but I know it’s necessary in order to carry out this plan of survival.  Bury my past ghost and give myself the chance to be reborn into life again.  Hopefully, minus the drama.

I still struggle… I’m loyal to my friends.  I’ve always been loyal to my boys and though I knew going in to my decision I would lose most if not all of them.  I guess I struggle mostly on the loss of one more then I thought I would.

Arrogant and selfish as he is, I still find myself giving him the loyalty and respect that he feels I do not deserve.  Make a note… it is better to simply ignore my text then reply with a hateful “fuck you” on Christmas.

Banished by an asshole… who’da thunk it would hurt this much?

Yet, in the end… he is one of “my boys”, my very own Captain Asshole… hopefully one day I’ll let go of hope all together. 

Unfortunately, today’s not the day… till that day I’ll keep working on his elegy.

Stay tuned…

~ The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other. ~   Mario Puzo

Gerald “Jay” LaFreniere – December 30th, 1935 – January 12th, 1986

He couldn’t jump over buildings in a single bound but to me he was Superman.  I grew up Daddy’s little girl in a family where I am the youngest of 5.  I was his little Princess and the kind of kid that curled up with him on the couch to watch TV, always had to sit next to him at the dinner table and I would wait, sitting on the front porch, watching down the road for him to come home after work. 

I was 8 years old when he passed away after a difficult struggle with lung cancer and though I knew he was sick I never considered the fact that one day he would not be with us.  I remember things about him but none are as vivid as the day of his burial.   From the crisp feel of the air, to the sun reflecting off the snow, the painful looks on the faces of people when they’d kneel down to check on me, to the sounds of taps playing in the background and the piercing sound of the seven rifles during the 21 gun salute.

I’ve been told many stories of who he was and about the good times others had the opportunity to have with him.  That he was a smart, funny, creative and a dedicated man, a good person that his friends and family could always count on.  I remember him as kind, loving, funny and super tall.  J  He will forever be in my heart and not a day will go by that I don’t think of him or miss him.

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.  ~Gloria Naylor

Sarah Anne

            There was a time that I honestly believed she was my rock.  She was that one person I could count on to make me laugh when I was down, and she knew that ice cream and pedicures could cure all that ailed me.    I've never instantly loved a person before in my life until Sarah.

            I first met Sarah when Kevin brought her home to meet his family and then we all went out to hit the bars together.  Now I didn't know anything about Sarah prior to meeting her… other then Kevin's insistent warning to NOT push drinks.  Apparently she didn't hold my stellar drinking ability.  Sarah was very quiet and shy at first.  It wasn't until Billy Jean came on hours later at the bar and she went from quiet and shy to beamingly happy and a full out dance routine that I knew, well that Sarah was trashed.  This was confirmed shortly after when she started talking to Kevin’s truck and begging it (not Kevin) to unlock the door. 

            A few short months later I saw Kevin and Sarah again on a trip to Florida to visit with Shane.  By the time our plane landed and we got to the beach where Kevin, Sarah and Shane were… they were already drunk.  Florida was a great trip and I quickly learned that Sarah and I had a lot in common.  Like me she wasn't as interested in getting hammered like the boys so we opted to roam the beach looking for seashells.  There were many more vacations that the 4 of us took together and all of them were a blast.

Shortly after our trip to Florida I started making trips to see Sarah in MN… which turned into monthly trips followed by her coming down monthly as well.  Perfectly times so that we would get to hang out every other weekend.  Then everything went to hell for Sarah and I stood by and did everything I could to support her.  There I stood unwavering at her side and I did my best to help her get back onto her feet.  (FYI - I'm sparing A LOT of details here out of kindness that she most certainly doesn't deserve.)

            Unfortunately, it meant nothing.  At my lowest point when I needed someone the most she was  too angry with me to be a friend.  On the off chance that she had time to actually talk to me it was filling with distain and sarcasm.  I know the decision for divorce caught her off guard and was hard for her to understand but all I needed was for her to believe in me.  That never happen.  On a good day all I would get is a chance to listen to her telling me how horrible her day was and what the drama of the moment was.  Never really concerned with where I was at the time.  This complete lack of concern would eventually turn to blatant betrayal.  Digging for dirt like a fucking minor, telling people shit just to get reactions out of them… spreading rumors.  Typical vag’ bullshit.

            Once I started a new relationship, things only got worse.  Sarah's materialistic obsession proved to be too much for me.  Her dissatisfaction with the fact that I was dating a person that didn't drive an expensive car became too overwhelming.  Oh lets not forget the fact that he has kids.  Apparently, she wasn't able to handle that as it was some sort of conversation ender when she'd find out I was hanging with them.  "Go play Mommy to kids that aren't yours!"  Heh… really?  Sorry… do you think I don't know they aren't mine?  Pretty sure I'd remember giving birth… at any rate… I don't play Mom.  It's not my fault they like being around me and their Dad.  How is that a bad thing?

Then came the wedding planning… I'm maid of honor but only allowed to come minus the boyfriend.  Ok… ok… let me be very clear.  No one… and I mean no one has ever been able to tell me what to do.  So… to the wedding I did not go.  Did it suck to miss it… absolutely!  Kevin has been a friend of mine since I was 14.  However, if you care so little for me that you're going to treat me with such disrespect, then I have no place at your wedding.  Further more, when I make a decision I stand my ground.  Call me stubborn… I really don’t care.

            After that nothing was every good again… but there was the looming fact that they both were moving back to Wisconsin.  Awesome news… as if the constant judgment and disapproval from 6 hours away wasn't bad enough… now she's in my neighborhood.  Oh – a - Joy.  Sorry it sounds so hateful… I don't hate her.  I'm just severely disappointed in her actions over the last year.  With the death of our friendship she has taken Kevin as well, which leaves a whole in my heart where a "brother" once was.  I wish she could fully understand how much of my heart is left damaged by what she's done.  Elegy time… and this one won't be easy.

          Sarah, I will honestly always miss you and the friendship we once had.  I will miss the laughs, the shenanigans and our little family.  It breaks my heart to know that you will never be a part of my life and that I will not be there to share in yours.  When I look back and think of you I will only remember the good times.  I truly wish things were different.  I'm sorry for letting you down and for changing everything you held sacred.  Goodbye.

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

Gabriella

            Ever have a friend that could find the silver lining in anything.  “Oh my god my house just blew up” and her response would be like puzzled look of disbelief and eventually she would say something like “Whoa… that sucks… but… but… but hey you could rebuild and have first floor laundry!  Gosh wouldn’t that be nice?!  Now I kinda wish my house would have blown up.”  Then you would both laugh and some how you wouldn’t care that your house was burring in front of you… cuz’ you’ll just rebuild.  She would seldom say anything negative about anyone and on the off chance that she commented on some awful outfit that just walked by it was instantly followed up with “Oh that was horrible… shame on me.” 

            Gabby and I meet when we worked together at this horrible company not worth mentioning.  I worked there for 3 years and it was like walking into the depths of hell everyday.  Filled with catty back stabbing middle aged divorced world hating hags.  I was 21 when I started and they all hated me from day one.  I don’t know why… maybe because I wasn’t a man hater, maybe because I wasn’t over weight, maybe because my tits weren’t sagging down to my belly button… what ever the reason they hated me. 

           

            Until Gabby started I really never liked working there but after she started I had a little sanity in that crazy shit whole.  We were, for no better word, equally retarded.  At lunch we would get a KFC tender pack and share it at the park while we played on the play ground.  No seriously… this is what we did when it was nice out.  We’d spend our 30 minutes of free time swinging or going down the slid like we were little kids and it helped both of us.  Once while we were at the park and trying to swing as high as we could on the swing Gabby’s big chucky chuck shoe caught the sand and she was immediately ejected from her swing and thrown about 10 feet on to her face.  There she is laying in the sand face down and I’m stuck on the swings trying to now slow down as quickly as I could so I could safely jump off to her rescue.  All awhile both of us laughing so hard tears were streaming down our face.

            Eventually my brother Jaysson and I somehow or sort of set up Gabby with my cousin Shane.  I worked Saturday’s at his store and lets just say he’s not the easiest person to talk to.  He’s a great guy, can be funny but most of the time you’ll find him and I arguing over nothing.  It’s just what we do… I’m way better at it but he’s too stubborn to admit that.  Anywho, one day I thought shit…  Gabby and Shane should date… I mean he never talks and she never stops.  They hit it off and everything was great.  Then suddenly Gabby and I went south.  All this he said she said bullshit and I threw up my hands and just walked away.  Shane and Gabby got married… I wasn’t invited to the wedding and at that point didn’t want to hear from her again. 

            After some time Gabby and I made up.  What I remember at my brothers wedding is lots of tequila and me yelling at both Shane and her.  I’m sure some tears were involved as that is all tequila has ever done for me.  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… cry.  The point is that we made up and talked things over in order to repair what was broken.  Things were going great… I had my dear friend Gabby back… my partner in retardnation.  Unfortunately, this wouldn’t last.  A new friend of mine (her story is next) would enter this world and alter it forever.  In the end, Gabby twisted everything around to paint me as the bad guy.  Using my words out of context and attempting to manipulate people around me.  My perception could be twisted but this is what I saw and once again… I cut all ties.

            It’s a little complicated with Gabby being married to my cousin.  I see her once in a while at family events and though she’s always nice and says hello, there is too much pain there for me to be equally polite because it just feels so fake.  I’m not a fake person… I’ll say and do whatever I want.  If I don’t like you… you’ll know… I’m pretty obvious.  I’m not saying Gabby is fake or that I don‘t like her… she’s not fake… she’s just one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and I know she hates confrontation.  So she’ll smile.  She’ll say hello and hand out hugs.  Even though I know she doesn’t want too. 

            I’m not that person, I’m not sweet and nice.  I’m just me… call me abrasive, unforgiving, a bully or brutally honest.  I’ve never claimed to be anything else.  Life is short… I wont spend it playing by other people rules.  I wont pull the wool over my eyes and pretend everything is ok.  Which is why were here… I feel things are forever broken and beyond a possible repair this time.

The elegy:

          I will always love and miss my dear friend Gabby.  The one I played with, laughed with and could always have an honest heart felt conversation with.  It brings me great sadness to know that this friendship is beyond repairing and that in my darkest hour I refused to ask her for help or guidance.  I know despite of everything she would have been there for me.   I have and will always look back on our time together and our friendship with nothing but happiness and joy.  You saved me from myself many more times then you could ever be aware.  I thank you for that.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  ~Author Unknown

Sad Goodbyes

         As I take this journey to move ahead and let go of my old life I find myself struggling along way.  When I think about the things I miss the most I'd have to say it's the friendships I've lost after the divorce and one I ducked out on prior to. 

Both for two different reason... but once upon a time the 3 of us had more fun then I think is legal.  My hope is that by posting the rise and fall of both friendships I'll be able to find it easier to let both go in my heart and mind.  So hear I sit spending my Sunday remembering two friendship that will never be just that again. 

Today, I write their elegies and prepare to bury them in Friendship Cemetery.

Enter My Epiphany

I wrote my first blog as a marker for the beginning of my journey in seeking answers to why I feel the way I do. Why do I have this overwhelming sense of desertion surrounding me, and a bleakness that seems to follow this nasty little apocalypse?

I’ve had this conversation with Adam (boyfriend & bf) a million times. Like me, he’s also watched a number of people turn their backs on him after his separation from his “ex”. Both of us have noticed the people in our lives that have become like zombies, all infected with some strain of arrogance or selfishness. Some of these people have gone to great lengths to push us out of their lives but continue to spark drama or lash out viciously for mere entertainment value while others just simply vanish. I’ve spent 6 months trying to figure out why people have reacted this way. Is it anger, fear, misunderstanding, loyalties… the list goes on and on. Then suddenly, as I read an email from my friend Mike in regards to my first post, it hit me! Adam’s pointed it out a hundred times but it never really sunk in. Zombies… the infected… we had hundreds… no thousands of talks. One passage from Mike’s email and something in my brain went off like a road flare.

"chapters in life seem to define themselves more like 'past lives'. An old life just passes away, and some new version of you has to be born to start something new. If you don't let it die, you just get stuck wandering around in a memory, like a ghost haunting a past life."

Ok everyone; hold up your hammers… because Mike has just hit the nail right on the head! This is exactly what I have been doing. I’m wandering around in the memory of my old life, my old friendships… my old everything. I see it now… this is where all my anger is coming from because I didn’t want to accept the fact that I’ve suffered a loss. What I haven’t done is let go and respectively mourn the loss of all these friendships. Why haven’t I? Well because it’s hard… because it’s difficult to accept, comprehend and to be completely honest it hurts. Understandably, the amount of losses is like watching a 747 full of my friend’s crash into a field and just like that I’ve lost 60% of the relationships in my life. All I have left of them are these memories of good times and lots of laughs. However, they’re not dead…they’re out there walking around. Zombies! Adam was right… but I didn’t understand it fully until now.

It’s us against the World.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~ Author Unknown

2010… My very own Apocalypse

I’ve never given real thought to the tradition of new years resolutions but as 2010 came to a close and I looked around I couldn’t believe the amount of changes that have taken place over just a year.  I started the year out with the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.  After multiple attempts to talk to the person I considered my best friend I realized my cries for help or advice were going unnoticed and that although I had been there to help her thru her hardest of times;  I now found myself abandoned and left to face everything alone.  Once my decision was made it didn’t take me long to realize who my true friends were, who honestly cared and which ones would prove to be the selfish people in my life.  For years I considered myself blessed with great friends that were like a close knit family to me.  However, in the end I found that most of these relationships wouldn’t survive the storm.  This brought me back to the thought of resolutions, the meaning behind them and where to go from here.

Even though the tradition of New Years Resolutions is not new to me, I found my self doing some basic research on the meaning behind it, as well as its origin.  What I came across was facts and tidbits that weren’t new to me but helped me in determining what I needed in order to move head with 2011.  More so, what it is that is missing from my life.  Resolutions are commitments and goals that people set for the New Year as they strive to better themselves and attempt to make a healthier lifestyle change.  This is where I came across the brief breakdown of Yom Kippur the Jewish Holiday known as the Day of Atonement, where one is to reflect upon their wrongdoings and both seek and offer forgiveness.  Now I find this intriguing despite my skepticism in religion and religious beliefs.  I’m a self-proclaimed non-forgiver.  Once I’ve been wronged to the point that I cut ties I never release that grudge or forgive the initial act of “wrongness”.  This is where I’ve decided to start my exploration of rights, wrongs, forgiveness, praise, and sadly for some, inescapably… exile. 

I’ve realize that what I need is to find a way to let go of the over abundance of anger that I carry around with me.  That the hate I hold for certain people or behaviors is traumatically diminishing my spark for life.  That the purpose for this little journey of mine isn’t to put anyone on blast, but rather to re-evaluate the perception, circumstances and ultimately determine the right course of action in some relationships.  Are they worth repairing or is the damage too immense for reconciliation?

2010 was emotionally a difficult year for me and as the clock struck 12 on December 31, 2010 it felt like I was entering my very own apocalypse.  That during the crumbling effect of my decision for divorce in 2010, some of the people in my life changed.  These people I thought to be my friends looked at me differently with judgment or an unforgiving eye.  Some lashing out towards me in anger and vengeance for the way my decision affected her seemingly perfect life.  I sat and watched as people turned their backs on me… choosing sides where one wasn’t required too.  My mind has a plethora of scattered memories, carcasses of infected friendships that have succumbed to their ill fated demise.  As I file them away in my minds morgue I’m reminded of what brought them there.  In some ways all will be forgiven, some will be forgotten and I will begin to heal as I move forward in this newly created world.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  Seneca