The Inside Out

Does anyone else ever wish for a case of amnesia?

I’d give anything to erase all the memories, the laughter and the tears that were shared.  To not recognize certain people in passing… to simply feel nothing, as if our paths had never crossed.  I long for the ability to just be numb from everything that’s happened.

I need a massive shake on my etch-a-sketch so I can just start over.  Maybe then the old me can crawl out from under the ashes.  A little less jaded… able to just be myself with out wondering how someone will use it against me.

Encounters involving a Zombie tend to stir up emotions.  I’m surprised that part of me was excited to see her… still part of me was relieved she left 5 minutes later.  As always I’m left in the wake gasping for air… continuing to drown in the desolation.

The weakest part of my heart honestly misses the bond that was shared.  Now, none of this matters.  I mean it changes nothing.  People don’t come back from this... people don’t change and trust isn’t repairable.

This is something my head knows, but my heart fights to recognize.

Now more then ever I believe that the only cure is the sweet release of death.

The color of my mind has been forever altered.

"Memories are contrary things; if you quit chasing them and turn your back, they often return on their own."  ~ STEPHEN KING

I See Dead People

I can sit and sort thru the carnage of what was once my life.  Though the dust of my apocalypse is slowly beginning to settle… I’ve come to appreciate the complete solitude of my life.  Which is a pretty big step, despite a few minor set backs.

I’ve accepted the alienation, as well as, turmoil that I’ve gone thru and I’ve buried the past; though that pain in my heart seems to still reside.  Coming to terms with the reality of my altered existence may be taking longer then I hoped but I feel like I can finally see the horizon.

The days and weeks and months that have gone by with little interaction between myself and the Zombies has helped me to build that wall around it all.  All I can do is avoid the traps in front of me and hope that they can find a way to just leave me alone.

I’m pressing on with my life… leaving the infected behind me.  I see them all here and there, covered with the scars of our friendship.  It’s a nauseating feeling to sit 3 feet from someone you used to have so much love for but now it’s so awkward and excruciating.  The fake hello’s and strained smiles… I wonder what the point of it all is. 

There is no real joy in our smiles, no real feelings of happiness… I just keep waiting for the ashes to blow away until there is nothing recognizable is left.

Their desertion affected me more then I would have expected, but I’m still standing and just as strong as I always have been.  Maybe it’s my stubbornness that keeps me going; maybe I push further away from it all out of spite… I guess I really don’t know. 

The only protection I have from the mass amounts of deception and betrayal is to keep my distance… and arsenal locked and loaded.