Sweet Liberate

Take a big breath.

             Today starts a new day.

                                      With one foot in front of the other

                                                                                  I leave it all behind.

“Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so." Unknown

I’ve never been so happy to hear the silence that I’m surrounded by. 

                                        The sun shines a little brighter …

                  and I finally feel at peace.

The Inside Out

Does anyone else ever wish for a case of amnesia?

I’d give anything to erase all the memories, the laughter and the tears that were shared.  To not recognize certain people in passing… to simply feel nothing, as if our paths had never crossed.  I long for the ability to just be numb from everything that’s happened.

I need a massive shake on my etch-a-sketch so I can just start over.  Maybe then the old me can crawl out from under the ashes.  A little less jaded… able to just be myself with out wondering how someone will use it against me.

Encounters involving a Zombie tend to stir up emotions.  I’m surprised that part of me was excited to see her… still part of me was relieved she left 5 minutes later.  As always I’m left in the wake gasping for air… continuing to drown in the desolation.

The weakest part of my heart honestly misses the bond that was shared.  Now, none of this matters.  I mean it changes nothing.  People don’t come back from this... people don’t change and trust isn’t repairable.

This is something my head knows, but my heart fights to recognize.

Now more then ever I believe that the only cure is the sweet release of death.

The color of my mind has been forever altered.

"Memories are contrary things; if you quit chasing them and turn your back, they often return on their own."  ~ STEPHEN KING

I See Dead People

I can sit and sort thru the carnage of what was once my life.  Though the dust of my apocalypse is slowly beginning to settle… I’ve come to appreciate the complete solitude of my life.  Which is a pretty big step, despite a few minor set backs.

I’ve accepted the alienation, as well as, turmoil that I’ve gone thru and I’ve buried the past; though that pain in my heart seems to still reside.  Coming to terms with the reality of my altered existence may be taking longer then I hoped but I feel like I can finally see the horizon.

The days and weeks and months that have gone by with little interaction between myself and the Zombies has helped me to build that wall around it all.  All I can do is avoid the traps in front of me and hope that they can find a way to just leave me alone.

I’m pressing on with my life… leaving the infected behind me.  I see them all here and there, covered with the scars of our friendship.  It’s a nauseating feeling to sit 3 feet from someone you used to have so much love for but now it’s so awkward and excruciating.  The fake hello’s and strained smiles… I wonder what the point of it all is. 

There is no real joy in our smiles, no real feelings of happiness… I just keep waiting for the ashes to blow away until there is nothing recognizable is left.

Their desertion affected me more then I would have expected, but I’m still standing and just as strong as I always have been.  Maybe it’s my stubbornness that keeps me going; maybe I push further away from it all out of spite… I guess I really don’t know. 

The only protection I have from the mass amounts of deception and betrayal is to keep my distance… and arsenal locked and loaded.  

Back to the Grind

There is something about making that first tuition installment of the semester that makes my heart go a flutter. Just one click of the mouse and it’s like I’m about to set off on yet another amazing journey.  Maybe it’s just the thrill of spending money?

Though, I’ve only had a full week off of school, I’m itching to start this fall semester which is only just a week away.  This should give me just enough time to read my last two books for my summer enjoyment and to start my school supply shopping.  Oh binders, notebooks and index cards… you give me the tingles.

Each new semester brings with it a newly rebounded glimmer of hope.  The sun shines brighter, the sky looks like it's about to come alive and the overwhelming sense of frustration is replaced with the anticipation of my future.

The more I learn the more I want to learn… the more I push my self… the further away I feel from that person inside of me that I hate.

There isn't a person anywhere who isn't capable of doing more than he thinks he can.

It’s My Birthday!!

I went to bed last night at 8:45 pm.  Not sure if this is a sign of getting older but I rather enjoyed it.  I’ve become accustomed to falling asleep about 11 or 11:30 pm… usually to some ridiculous reality TV show. 

As my alarm went off this morning at 6am I had a number of “Happy Birthday” text and Facebook post.  Ahh… to feel loved.  Maybe I’m not as alone in this world as I feel some days.  Guess I should quit my whining. 

All in all I do honestly feel very much loved and am pretty excited for today.  My little journey is a work in progress and with each day I become more and more excited for the tomorrows.  All this hard work, planning, and attempting to get on top of everything will soon pay off. 

I’d like to thank everyone who’s stood beside me over the last year in a half, the friends that didn’t turn their backs on me and the family that continues to support me… I owe you all so much.

I owe so much to all of you and to Adam… who has been there to help me through so many struggles over the last year.  With out him there to support me and cheer me on I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have… or as much as I will in the future.

Now I’m off to celebrate my birthday… Adam’s got our night all planned out. 

Can’t wait to see what’s in store.

I’m like the Energizer Bunny, man…

My daily routine includes a stop at my favorite Starbucks in Lake Geneva.  Taking a moment to talk to the girls and other regulars, as I wait for my daily cup of heaven.  It’s part of my morning routine that I love… that and my morning chats with Craig.

Monday’s storm hit just as I was walking across the street. 

It went from a hazy just about to rain morning to a torrential down pour is less then a second… From sun creeping thru the cloud to near darkness above.  Clouds spinning, winds whipping past me… did I mention the torrential down pour?  Oh yeah… I ended up completely soaked head to toe by the time I got inside. 

However, blessed with straight hair it didn’t cause any damage.  Yay for awesome blood lines! 

The damage caused by the storm was very present on my drive home.  Fallen trees, debris along the roads and all of the farm fields on the way home had corn… on a tilt.  Sure hope this doesn’t affect Adam’s ability to enjoy some summer sweet corn. 

Life’s getting pretty busy these days.  Trying to plan a little family vacation with Adam and the Kiddo’s before we (Adam and I) head down to Louisville for my nieces wedding.  With most of the family driving down it should be a fabulous time.  Gosh I haven’t vaca’d in so long I almost forgot how exciting it is to shop for vacations, and shoes.  OMG… shoes.  It’s a much needed break after the last year.

Summer classes cruzin’ along and I only have a few weeks left.  Registration for Fall classes are this week… reminding me there’s no rest for the wicked.  I’ve always been a survivor and never depended on anyone to get me what I wanted.  Working full time and going to school sucks… it sucks hard… but once I’m done it’ll be wonderful.  I can’t wait to have a career that I love and the added stability in my life. 

Not to mention I can move anywhere in US with my degree and be set.  Florida looks more and more appealing to me everyday.  For those of you not on the “suck my ass” list… feel free to visit me if I move.

Big plans a head with all the vacation planning, wedding in Kentucky, planning for Molly’s wedding next summer, and the joys of house hunting.  I can’t wait to own grass again… though I will miss my amazing view.

If you would have asked me a year ago today what I thought my life would be like in a year this isn’t what I would have told you.  I’m truly happy; I’m filled with excitement and anticipation and though some days I miss certain things of my “past life”; I’m so grateful for where I am today. 

Happy 4th to all my Peeps!

Extended weekends are great!

Weekends that I get to spend time with my family are even greater.

So the fact that on this past extended weekend I got to spend time with my family… well I mean isn't that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic!!  Yes I do believe so!

I love perfectly planed weekends… time by the pool with the kids, read a good book, cookout with the family, 4^th of July Parade (could have done with out the waiting between floats) and fireworks.

It was an amazing time.  Even if Kody and I got beat at bags by Kenny and Adam.  I declare a rematch!!  Those bags weren’t regulation size!

Unfortunately, with the craziness of school I haven’t had much time to enjoy the summer.  Just a few more weeks left of summer classes and I’ll have a nice short break to hopefully spend with the family, hit up some festivals, go golfing with Craig and go on some day trips with Adam and the kids.

Much to Craig’s surprise I have a project for us this summer.  He’s such a lucky guy!  Home Depot here we come!!

It’s an on going process

So more then 6 months have past since I started this and I can say that on most days I’m happy and well adjusted.  I have my moments of sadness, wondering how some people could have done what they did and yet have no remorse. 

I get reports here and there… this happen… that happen… drama drama drama, court dates, fights, cops and family feuds.  Part of me is happy to be removed from such childish and petty bullshit but yet there is a small part of me that wonders if they’ll ever really grow up and out of that self proclaiming “I’m so badass” attitude. 

Some days I miss the giggles and silly times I had with whom I believed to be my two best girls.  The video’s of us just acting a fool and the random people we left in our obnoxious dust with a look of complete bewilderment.  The inside jokes, child-leash tally, and just simply thinking I had someone I could count on.  It was fun as it lasted.  It’s a real shame… fuck people suck.

I’ve been asked why I’m still so angry, but it’s never been anger that I feel.

It’s disappointment.

It’s disappointing to know the depths of my friendship for a person that doesn’t have the human capacity to care for anyone other then herself.  So self absorbed and narcissistic she’ll do anything to claw her way to a few dollar signs. 

It’s disappointing to think back to shopping trips, pedicures, dinners, drinks and vacations only to realize that the real lies were… who these people actually were.  One living a life of lies… the other walking away due to jealousy. 

It still surprises me when I think of the people that turned their back on me.  My two best girls… friends I’ve known for years.  It’s nothing less then disappointing and a pain that continues to follow me. 

These ghosts may be buried but they’re still haunting me. 

People told me I’d learn who my real friends are… and I sure did.

My Favorite Rants

                        As you know… I love a good rant. 

Here’s a few of my favorites from some classic movies.                       

Well, I gotta tell you: I'd be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that... is dangerous. And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

Venison anyone?

I remember as a kid my Dad and all the guys would go hunting.  Sometime some of them would bring home deer.  They’d string them up and let the blood drain from their bodies before taking them to Uncle Darrel’s to be butchered.

Then we’d have hamburger or summer sausage.  I’ve never really been a big fan of venison.  It’s got a distinct flavor to it that I just can’t seem to get past my lips.  Yep… I’m that girl.

I did a short stint working for my Uncle out at the Meat Market.  Wasn’t my favorite job due to the cunt who worked there and was dating my cousin at the time?  She’s just another punch to the cunt bitch I never want to see again.  I heard she got wrecked in a car crash… thank you karma.  J

My point being… I’ve seen lots of dead deer.  Which is the way I prefer them to be.  Now living out in the country I see the furry bastard more and more.  Usually in the road or just off the shoulder which causes me to have a tiny little heart attach!  I miss the days of carrying their processed remains in paper bags and their severed heads out to the hunters that shot them. 

I hate deer… I loath deer.

Last December I made my first contact with a gang of deer on my way to school.  As my car came skidding to a screeching halt and the deer started to… well what I can only describe as “double dutching” in front of my car… I almost manage to miss impact.  Unfortunately, the deer decided to kick my car causing my bumper to shatter.   

I spent about 20 minutes McGyver’ing my wheel well liner all back together so it would rub on my tires so I can get back on the road.  I wasn’t very happy as you can tell from my initial post on Facebook:

“To the deer that I hit today: I hope you are bleeding out slowing alone in a cold damp ditch somewhere with death glooming over you. If at all possible please hoof yourself closer to Hwy 120 so that I can find you in the morning and slit your fucking throat with the shrapnel that was once part of my bumper and beat your head in with my now loosened fog light! You fucking piece of shit!!!”

Luck be a lady… and one that apparently hates me… I’ve had the amazing opportunity to hit 2 more deer just a few weeks ago.  This time I was on my way home from school and blazing down I43 at about 80 mph... Oh I mean at the legal speed limit of 65 mph.

Apparently, bright lights and a constant blare of the horn at (ahem) 65 mph (wink wink) will not discourage Earth’s dumbest animal from wondering out into traffic.  Some maybe be wondering what the stopping distance of my car is… well it’s about 2 feet beyond deer impact.  Awesome!

We’ll refer to the deer (that’s multiple) as Deer S and Deer K. 

So here it is… 9:30 at night and I’ve just hit two deer.  I know I hit them/it because of the horrendous noise made during contact.  Its dark… impact has knocked out my head lights and I have no idea where deer S or deer K flew off too.  Part of me hopes they ran off or died… part of me hopes their wounded and I will have the opportunity to stomp in their skulls.

After a quick call to Adam to let him know what’s going on I decided to call the Sheriff.  After playing the “what county am I in game” the Walworth Sheriff’s department dispatch told me to dial 911.  She and I quote doesn’t “think I’ll get in trouble for dialing that in a non-emergency”.

So I dial 911… get a dispatcher who contacts the sheriff for Waukesha County.  Then tells me to hang tight… someone will be there soon.  I learned a few things…

1. Soon to them doesn’t mean the same as “soon” does to me.  I sat on the side of the road with no headlights for 45 minutes. 
2. After dialing 911 your cell phone is completely locked out for 5 full minutes.  I mean LOCKED OUT!!  As in no phone calls.  No text messaging.  No access to Internet.
3. I depend far too much on my cell phone for simply entertainment.  That was the longest 5 minutes of my life. 

Finally, Officer Sourpuss showed up with what I assume was the biggest stick in the county up her ass.  Sorry I hit some deer and interrupted your coffee break.  She assessed my damage… told me to drive home.  So I pointed out that I have no head lights… and it’s now almost 11pm.  She told me then I couldn’t drive my car until I replaced the head light and then pointed at the Wal-Mart in Mukwonago which I could see about 2 miles down the road.

How did she think I was going to get there?  Can’t walk down I43… can’t drive with out headlights.  So in my “how funny am I” voice I told her I’m driving to the Wal-Mart with my 1 working bright to replace the head lights in my car… and if she pulled me over for driving with out headlights I would lose it.  She laughed and got back in her car.

Being the girl I am I called Adam  to come to Wal-Mart for some quick (ha ha… not likely in a Hyundai) headlight change.  As I stood there accessing the damage while on the phone with my Mom I noticed just how bad it was. 

Jacked up hood, my brand new bumper was jacked up again, driver side fender, and a smear of mud all the way down my driver side.  Also, a lot of fur and as a bonus some flesh and blood wedged into the fender that was all mangled around.  Was I grossed out… nope… I was just happy that I speared at least one of them fuckers with my car. 

The next morning as I gave Craig the very over dramatized chain of events I arrived at Starbucks where I got out of my car and noticed possible the worst discovery possible adding of insult to injury. 

It was not a smear of mud down my car.  It was poop!!!!  They took a crap on my car!  Are you kidding me… so as I was driving my dark blue spear into Deer S… there by pushing her into Deer K one of them managed to take a shit on my car?  I’m blaming Deer K… asshole!

Books, Latte’s and One Hell of a Perfect View

Well summer is here… I can tell from the muggy air and sudden jump in temperature.  I usually don’t complain about the weather… it’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer leaving fall and spring some where between the harshness.

I’ve grown tired of the people that complain about how cold it is all winter long.  Welcome to Wisconsin pussy!  Suck it up… people call this the frozen tundra.  My guess is that it got its name for a reason.  Sadly, these whiners will soon become the people that complain about it being to hot once the snow melts. 

 It’s odd having so much free time now that school’s on break.  Even though it’s only a short break I have big plans.  One is reading as many “for my enjoyment” books as I can before I’m nose deep in more text books. 

Schools been out for just over a weeks and I’m already on my 3^rd book.  Sitting on my patio over looking the farm fields while I read my book and sip on hot chai is so unbelievable relaxing.  I’m hooked and can’t wait to get back out there. 

I know… I’m awesome… or as Kody would say “A-We-Some!!”  Gotta love that boy!  J

I know some of you are waiting for a nice rant and I don’t mean to disappoint.  I’ve been successfully avoiding the drama queens… or king… for sometime now.  Guess you’ll have to deal with my happy to be alive attitude until the next fucktard comes along. 

Trust me… they won’t stay quiet for long.  Predictable assfucks that they are.

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day Weekend… if you get a chance thank a solider.  I did… yeeeahhhh.

"The ability to read awoke inside me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive." 

~ Malcolm X

Here I stand a stronger & drama-less

Wow, this year really is screaming past me like a small child on fire.

It’s almost May and I’ve come so far on this journey.  Life is really starting to feel like its going somewhere and it’s truly amazing.  Good golly Miss Molly... I see the light!!!

Schools’ going great, though, Chemistry has been an awful struggle which consumes most of my time.  I’m really looking forward to putting it behind me.  My Psychology class has proven to be remarkably interesting and beneficial over the course of my recent passage these past months.

As the spring semester comes to a close and just a short 4 weeks before summer classes begin I can not wait to sit back and take time to relax.  Read a few books, get out to take some pictures, putting the grill to good use and spending time with the family… hopefully I can manage to enjoy the peace before the craziness picks back up again.

I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time huddled around my Mom’s kitchen table on Easter with the family.  It felt good to be home and surround by my brothers and sisters. 

There is no place on this Earth that I love being more then at my Mom’s house.  It’s loud, hectic, crazy, and always filled with laughter.  It’s the central conference of shit talkers and sarcasm… with the occasional slap fight between Kody and me. 

I can’t imagine what it is like to not want to be around your family.  I have friends or simply just know people that don’t talk to their family or have been ejected for one reason or the next.  Dreading holidays where you feel obligated to be with them.

I’m a lucky girl for so many reasons.  I’m surrounded by amazing family, friends and my boop-a-ty-boo-boo Adam.

I didn’t expect things to get better or for the cloud of depression that hung over me to lift and drift away.  Finally, the sun is shining upon me.

With my support system, sense of direction and the months spent sorting thru the wreckage I think I’ve finally arrived at the other side of this shit storm.

Unyielding in the pursuit to find my place in this world I look back at the carnage behind me and wash the blood from my hands.  To those that have succumbed to ill fated demise I may never forget you but for the sake of my own sanity I’m able to forgive you as I bury you next to the rest.

Coming Soon…

 

A new feature here at Noodle Nation is currently underway.

“The Infected” will be a page dedicated to one of my little obsessions.  Oh yeah that’s right people… this will be an entire page devoted to nothing but Zombies!

Including stories, sightings, and a confirmed list of contaminated infectees will only be the beginning.  A full apocalyptic resource is just a click away with random movie/TV reviews, survival tips and the rules we use to survive here in Zombieland.

“It’s us… versus the world.” ~ Adam Ellis Kolp

When did I become so… old?

Well I guess it’s happened… I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m no longer interested in the club scene.

Maybe I’ve been removed from it just long enough too no longer find the thrill of drinking myself into a rebellious rage.  Maybe due to my departure from the night life and subsequence new found intolerance to alcohol I have just lost interest all together. 

My ability to “hang” has indisputably diminished.

Part of me is a little surprised at how easy it was to just let go of the night life.  I don’t miss the cloud of smoke, ringing piercing my ears, or that shell shock feeling the day after.  I don’t miss the drunken arguments with strangers or trying to figure out how I wasn’t arrested or banned from certain places do to my mouth or behavior.

As I stood inside the City Lounge in Milwaukee this past weekend boppin’ to the beat of the house music and insistently checking the clock on my phone… it hit me.  I’m just too old for this shit.  Though, I was having a great time with the boys… getting bumped into by the drunk 21 year old crowd was insanely bothersome. 

I noticed a crowd of “middle aged” men standing at a table watching all the girls on the dance floor and it gave me the willy’s.  Horrified I thought to my self, “they are WAY too old to be in a club like this”.  Then realized… they aren’t all that much older then myself.  So what was I doing there?  Ahh… father time you fucking bastard. 

More proof of my age altering phase, I’ve lost the ability to enjoy sleeping in until 11 am and staying awake past 12 pm is becoming more of a chore all by itself.  Saturday both Adam and I woke up, went to an appointment, did some grocery shopping, came home and made lunch all before 11 am.  I have to say it was absolutely magnificent! 

I have to say I rather love my secluded life out here in the country.  I love curling up on my couch and looking out the window to the backdrop of corn fields and farms.  Life is still busy and that’s ok… I find great peace at home with my amazing man.  I have the support of my loving family and the audacity to press on in conquering my dreams.

It’s time to hang up my party hat.  Time to let go of the wild child fixation and shed myself of the absurd theatrics that comes with that life.  I guess the time has come for me to turn in my night life pass and cocktail for an early morning sunrise and a cup of tea.

If this is what being old is going to be like… then I couldn’t ask for more.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.  ~Mark Twain

These Kicks Were Made For Stomping!

And that’s just what they’ll do…and this April these kicks will be stomping for my boy B-radly and Peggy too!

Sorry for the song but nothing rejuvenates my heart like doing something for people unprovoked.

I’ve participated in the MS walk for a number of years and have finally decided to form my own little clan.  Soldiers’ of hope walking beside me trying to make this world a better place and raising money to hopefully, one day, end this terrible disease.

MS is a debilitating disease of the central nervous system and every hour of every day more people are diagnosed.  This “prime of life” disease is first detected in people between the ages of 20 and 50, however, we are starting to see more and more children diagnosed.

Did you catch that??  “Prime of Life” disease.  Take that in for a moment.  Think about it… imagine living with this disease.  The horrific difficulties people suffer from its devastating affects. 

I walk not because I feel I have too… but because I can and for the people inflicted with MS that can not. 

I remember on my first walk I really didn’t put much thought into what I was doing.  Sure I was walking for my friend, but it felt more like a social gathering as me and my group of friends marched on.  Cold, rain soaked and 7 miles later I was tired and cranky.

However, as I walked thru the door to the center where they housed the free meal for walkers afterward’ I was greeted by survivors of MS.  There was a line of people, some with tears streaming their faces.  They stood there stood in a line… some in wheels chairs… waiting for people to finish the walk. 

And suddenly it hit me. 

They are the reason I walk.

“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”

If you’d like to make a donation in my name please click the link below.  You can also register and join out team.  Contact me for info!

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/WIGWalkEvents?px=9304753&pg=personal&fr_id=16671

Stay Young My Friend

I was forwarded this email from a co-worker and loved it.  So I’m sharing with you all of you.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1.  Try everything twice.
On one woman's tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
"Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!"

2.  Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever... Never let the brain get idle.  'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend.

Do share this with someone. Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Wine does not make you FAT ...

- it makes you LEAN ....
(Against tables, chairs,  floors, walls and ugly people.)

The House That Built Me

I heard a song the other day during a trip back home.  It was on one of the country channels… which is, usually, my last resort for anything catchy as I incessantly channel surf between songs.

In the past I have felt so much distance between the person I am or at least the person I was to my current state of being.  As though I was living a life that I didn’t belong in… I found myself so disconnected and lonely.

Leaving the cesspool city I grew up in and moving out to the quiet and desolate county was a blessing in disguise.  Though moving away from my family wasn’t easy, over time I sank into a routine that made it tolerably.

After a few years I managed to settle into the area and began to love “country life” as my love for what I used to call home dissipated.  I miss my family but would never consider moving back.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

There is this place in this world that I retreat too in order to revitalize my spirit.

I sit soaking in the surroundings.  The smell of fresh brewed coffee, giggles from children, and a table full of people that I adore.  We sit telling each other stories and listening to the stories shared by others.  Laughter ensues as my troubles, regrets and frustrations melt away.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.

Being home again is a cherished feeling for me.  This house in which I grew up in has the key to my heart and the kitchen table that I ate dinner at with my family is a sacred spot.  It’s there that I sit looking for advice or offering it if needed.

If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life and let many people down.  I’ve done what I can to repair the relationships that matter to me.  To the rest… I’ve thrown in the towel and called it a day.  Maybe it’s harsh but some people just aren’t worth it anymore.  It’s it easier to let them go then to constantly be under pressure to maintain their happiness.

This journey I’m on isn’t about them but more about coming back into my true self.

Over the years I’ve lost and gained many friends.  Some have changed the color of my heart where others have left it broken.  In the end I’ve learned who to trust, who to count on and more importantly, who to tell to fuck off.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”

– Unknown